No good deed…

I have traveled nearly 26,000 miles over the last several months, some of those miles were to drive a wedge between me and civilization, while others were to try and make or share real connections with old and new friends. A couple of those miles were driven in effort to be of service to others, this is one of those stories. Don’t applaud me just yet though, if I were to be honest with myself and you, I feel like a failure in regards to these miles that I traveled over this last weekend.

No shit there I was buck ass naked in the battle of Sum Dum Lai…. Wait, sorry wrong story.

This one starts with Hurricane Helene ravaging the areas as far inland as Eastern Tennessee. Some of the affected areas were through the Appalachian mountains that I fell in love with in 2019. I wanted to find a way to help down there right away, but unfortunately and fortunately, my buddy Chris was flying in from Texas to visit the following week. Feeling as helpless as most Americans feel when watching people suffer from a distance, I foolishly threw money at it with some music fest tickets, proceeds were supposed to help the victims. I don’t say foolishly as an admonition of the fest, but in regards to my choosing a music festival. I do not particularly like being around music festivals, the two things that most people love bother me the most; loud music and lots of people. I am trying to push myself though, and I do want the motivation to finish this home, being in public brings that. I knew it was not the right place for me to be for the same reason that I know that most of my fantasies are not the right path either, the nature of my thoughts when picturing the outcome. For example, if a thought pops up about some trek I should take, or the thought of writing out one of the stories in my head comes in, sometimes in those fantasies I can see the hurt that could be healed, or the help someone might gain. More often though those fantasies are often pride filled thoughts that try to take credit for what I believe to be a gift. In those instances I know that the path isn’t right, or at least not yet. My thoughts about going to the fest would often lead to some gratification of the ego, or flesh. In short, selfish at their core.

My buddy left on Thursday, the fest was to start Friday, in a last minute Hail Mary, I decided to head east to the damaged areas to try to find and fill a need.

I am not a complete fool, I did my internet due diligence. I first looked up the immediate needs posted by the Red Cross which included blankets and sleeping bags, then looked up volunteer needs, and the organizations that were out there. I found a shift needing to be filled in the small community of Elk Mills TN. This particular mountain community had two roads leading in and out. The bridge in was completely destroyed, the road by the river washed mostly out and looks likely to give further, cutting off the community from outside world as they knew it.

Now armed with a direction and a need to fill I headed east, stopping along the way to pick up a few blankets and coats that I hope will be useful. I arrive to the area early and immediately find an awesome place called Camp Faith, they allow me and others attempting to help to park there for free and offer a staging area for those serving food and what not. The serendipitous way it all unfolded helped me see that this was the right choice.

Shortly after arriving I meet up with some doers, the people who for two weeks have been out there giving the help needed. It was not long before I find myself in the affected area, surrounded by the community that was stranded for so long.

My observation, they were crushing it! Within hours of the water receding, these people had taken flat bed semi trailers and burmed them in, creating a bridge. The community had come together to create distribution centers. Help arrived with heavy equipment and generators to make sure everyone was able to survive until the power lines were repaired.

By the time I arrived nearly two weeks after the storm the heavy lifting had been done and the likely years long rebuilding was beginning. I rode around with these doers, doing the only thing I could, follow them around and try to carry whatever needed carrying.

Honestly I found myself incapable of really filling the needs that needed to be met, they needed two things that I didn’t bring. Dry wood for the stoves, and dumpsters to collect the debris and trash. My hope was not lost though, after all I was still a day early for my volunteer shift. Surely they will have resources to tap into and know the place that I could be the most useful.

I have a few things that I struggle with, pride being one of them. It isn’t that I think too highly of myself, I like to think that I am even humble at times, but my pride is real, and gets in the way. After retiring from the military , often that pride shows up when I am “being led”.

I would like to further add that my issues only start when being led by the inept, but honestly that isn’t true, and I get to decide the level of ineptitude. My pride is often irritated whenever I am supposed to just shut up and color as the old Army saying goes, apparently a weakness of mine. Another saying I learned in the Army that pops into my head at times like these is Lead, Follow, or get out of the way.

This brings us to Monday morning, the day of my first official volunteer shift with the new group set to lead this phase of cleanup.

I set my alarm (a rare event these days) making sure I have time to get the dogs a full walk in, and to get the tools ready for the day. So far so good, until I run into an angel, not the heavenly kind, I mean I ran into a lady who had been there since the storm, steadily cooking breakfast and dinner for any and all volunteers, An angel.

Our conversation did not go well. I honestly have no clue how it went so poorly so quickly. I was having flashbacks of the last few years of my marriage, mostly I was just confused.

I tried to attribute it to the fact that I have no real clue what these people have been through, I am just some dude that is passing through. What it boiled down to was that In those few brief moments of conversation, while she was voicing real concern for the people, I failed at really hearing her, or at making her feel heard.

That failure and likely the failure of others before me had lit the fuse. From good guy to bad guy in 3, 2, 1. I did however capture a few of the frustrations that she was trying to convey, mainly that the residents are tired of being canvassed. They don’t need another group coming in asking what they need. They have answered already and now want help or to be left alone. They want to get their trash out, and, we’ll I don’t know what else this angel had to share, honestly I was too quick to interrupt to share that the dumpster problem was nearly solved. I had been fortunate enough to hear the doers solve this problem the day before. And that is where the conversation with the angel broke down. Every person who had not heard her previously suddenly stood next to me in my interruption, I was every frustrating one of them.

I left there confused, but determined to not let it stop me from trying to help, somewhere, somehow. The interaction put me behind the schedule, I missed any rides that were heading to the affected areas, and I was going to be late for my 8:00 am shift. If I was to help, I would have to drive myself around the lake to the other side of the area, normally an hour drive that took me two.

I was grateful though, taking my truck, it meant that I would have all of my tools, and more importantly my dogs with me. I was ready! I had been given a green wrist band (general laborer) rather than the yellow band (canvasser) that I was originally set up to wear the day before. It might be close to 10:00 now, but I was finally there and ready to get to work.

I get there as the canvassing crew was leaving, each cart was full. I stop briefly to chat with them and share the to share with them the Angel’s warning of the people’s frustration, but I would have to help elsewhere.

I approach the semi-trailers used as the hub, or the “command center” as this group calls it. There is a giant generator running which can not be drowned out and people milling about everywhere. It immediately takes me back to the Army days spent doing field training exercises, right down to the ever present smell of diesel exhaust in the air.

I am on a quest, first order is to find someone in charge who can direct me, a pink wrist band wearer. I am told that they are the only ones that could tell us green bands where to go, and I was getting antsy. I was still feeling pretty remorseful for the way the conversation went with the Angel earlier, but I find her, I am faced with someone that can actually make the changes, a Pink Bander. perhaps this all can be salvaged.

This group is a Christian organization based out of Ohio, and likely well meaning, but I once again have no idea what has transpired the moments before walking in, and for the second time this morning I feel like I walked into a trap.

I shared the Angels concerns with lady sitting at the first little office area. As soon as I said that I was relaying a suggestion , she l pulled up her sleeve to allow full view of the pink band and then proceeded to show her irritation with my audacity. A couple short hours after leaving the Angel in confusion, I find myself standing across from something else entirely, but equally as irritated with me. Lead, follow, or get out of the way keeps echoing back of my head, but my pride wants to me to enlighten her on the highlights of a career spent leading young Artillerymen. I didn’t, just made my decision mentally and checked out.

I spend a lot of time trying to ascertain where The Spirit would have me be. I often can feel my proximity to where He would have me be by the peace I feel, at that moment it was all I could do to just get out of there.

I was feeling frustrated and sure that I cluelessly added another villain to two different ladies story. I wanted to bolt, that is my typical response when faced with situations like this. I decided to wait before leaving though, Surely there was a need I could fill, some sort of help I could provide, some sort of comfort I could help someone with, or at the very least there was a debt of the free RV spot I wanted to repay. I wouldn’t leave just yet. Like normal, I prayed for guidance, direction, anything.

A fallen tree in the road provided a chance to use the tools I brought and a chance to do something, however small. Fortunately by the time I got the the really dangerous part, two county workers stopped and made easy work of the rest. I pull back in to the camp hopeful that I can be useful somewhere here to earn my keep, and mostly that I would have a chance to smooth things over with the Angel. If it had not already been solved by time.

That hope died quickly when I passed by her, the scowl she shot me reminded me once again to the end of my marriage and I knew that any reconciliation would have to wait. I knew the wait would be long when I passed by her again a couple of hours later. Apparently just after airing out her frustration to the one next to her, all I could hear was her angry voice saying “that’s the guy I was talking about” as I drove by.

I was a villain in two peoples story and have yet to be helpful to any, not a great start to my volunteer adventure. I was determined to not let it end this way, I grabbed my saw, started cutting up bigger logs up into smaller logs, and clearing out the creek bed. I was able to get a lot done, just not the one thing I hoped to accomplish, to feel the peace that The Spirit brings when I am right where I am supposed to be. Even then, while being helpful I was feeling in the way, that my continued presence was not bringing comfort.

I don’t think of the trip as a failure, even if I feel as though I failed to help. I know that often in times past I am just one piece in a larger puzzle and my only goal is to find where I fit, to play my part. If I focus on the spirit leading me to that place, and avoid the selfish paths, I will be alright no matter how crazy it gets. The other solace that it brings is knowing that if the peace isn’t there, I don’t have to be either.

No place to lead, no leaders to follow, I got out of the way.