Here I sit with the same problem I have so often, and it is quite the conundrum. Before I tell you the problem needing to be solved, I want you to put yourself in my position, however far that might be from your reality.
Imagine if you will, you are free by most possible definitions. Perhaps you are like me and you’re retired with a pension, free from having to work everyday. Your Kids like mine are grown and out of the house, and for me there is no significant other affected by the decisions I make. On top of that, imagine if you have never lived in one spot long enough to really call it home. You really just have the two dogs to consider.
Now, with all those things in mind, here is my dilemma.
What do you do with the freedom? Where do I go now?
Right now I am near the Emerald coast in NC. The weather has been unbelievable. I stopped here to plug in for a bit, the clouds have prevented a full charge on my batteries and I honestly wanted to plug in with people as well. I needed to kill a few days. Here I sit at Cedar Point Campground.
{update from weeks later and maybe the completion of the thought }
The truth is that I have no idea where to go most of the time. If I get even a hint of an idea I usually follow it as if it were the destination, why? Well my goal ultimately is to be led by the Spirit, to know that wherever I go I am supposed to be there. The proof will be in the connections made, in the help I may be able to provide, to be able to be useful. This isn’t some cockamamie idea I pulled from nowhere, it is the joy of realizing that I am helping others, that I am being useful to God, that I am showing others the Love that He has been shown me.
The problem is that I also have a lot of healing left to do, and it is not always easy for me to be around others. I feel like my defenses are way to low and there is no way to keep them from realizing just what a mess I am. Thoughts of visiting a group of friends may quickly be met with a wave of anxiety about being around people and not being able to hold it together.
One small consideration I must make is my tears. I cry. The term the therapist used was emotional dis-regulation.
What it looks like is the sudden wave of emotions, what triggers it? You ask. The most potent trigger is true displays of Love. It really doesn’t even have to be real, watching something on tv where they appear to show genuine concern or Love. Another is Old couples still in love, I used to love seeing them, I still do but they are accompanied by the wave of emotions, happy for them, sad for the reality that at my age I will never have the decades of life to build Love from and the decades of Love to build a life from. It’s just simple math, in August I turn 50 and as of today, I have no prospects for Love. One of the two most potent triggers is seeing parents Love and parent well and focused attention. The slightest bit of what is perceived as genuine concern. Worst yet is the realization that it doesn’t exist.
Like I said, I have a lot of healing to do. My personal belief is that Love is the cure for most of my issues, but the folly of the fallen man is that he defines the fall.
It is part of the problem with picking destinations, it is hard not to put hope in to them. Take my trip back to Marina Ca, it is where I lived from 4-14, there is a beach there where I used to sit and watch hang gliders fly. On my trip out west last year I tried to cage my hope, sure it would be an awesome story to run into my first kiss Melissa Cosio, or the reuniting with the crush that I accidentally ruined as a kid for Michelle Betiong. Both would make amazing Love stories. There where friends like Jesse, Adam and Jon Jon, Suk, Ricky and Tonya Phillips, or Lena Montez who was a church/ family friend that I found to be absolutely beautiful when I was young. I low key envisioned some joy and nostalgia, had hoped for some connection, the reality was a very lonely feeling.
Carver's Corner 
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