A not so Happy Mother’s Day

My last post was written weeks ago, more recently I hit publish without even bothering to read the first draft. It wasn’t laziness, not in the least. It was partly out of my fondness for irony as I came back to and sat at the same camp spot as I did the weeks before, with little to add. It was partly because I need to break the mental block I have about putting myself out there, here. With no one really knowing and therefore no one able to judge. I do hope that one day people will find this and it helps someone, right now I really just hope it helps me. I am low key struggling and I feel the worst coming.

Before I begin the unrelenting whining, let me share those things that I have been doing to keep these wolves at bay. The answer to the question that Everyman needs to ask himself whenever things are not going well; What now?

For me it is a routine I keep

Step 1: Following the immortal word of the sage poet Ice Cube when discussing making today a good day.

“I wake up in the morning and Thank God” and much like Mr. Ice Cube today seems kind of odd. My routine consist of reading through scripture and a devotional each morning with lots of prayer, then writing out a prayer to “My Heavenly Father “

Step 2: I set out to find some beautiful piece of heaven to walk. Get a little stoned and walk.

Step 3: fake it until you make it.

It almost always works, each day I have much to be thankful for, each day I walk with God, trying to remember to bring him to my mind in every conversation I have with another.

It is usually when I start feeling like I am slowly drudging through the areas I used to quietly saunter when I reach out to people, walk more, find a new spot to visit… again the answer to What Now?

It isn’t working.

What now?

The hardest part for me is to avoid thinking about it all, to keep myself distracted from the reality of life. Not one of the methods that I have found effective for battling thoughts is helpful. Each of them just kind of drown it all out.

That is until one of my good friends Greg called. We usually share a call and pray over each others lives on the first Sunday, but he saw fit to call. For that I am truly Grateful, for his out of nowhere question asking about my mom and me, and most thankful for his patience and Grace as I struggled through the answer

My mother and I have not really spoken in a while. It all started after my father died. As freeing as that was it also left a lot of weight on her shoulders. I was 14 in this pic, it was taken moments before my Mother, Brother and I moved from CA-IN. Almost exactly 1 month before he died.

I lived with my mother for just over 2 more years when at 16, met a girl, had sex outside of marriage, and she became pregnant.

I remember the day I told her there in the kitchen. I think for her it was just more proof that I was as she liked to say “just like my father”.

As we were both baptized Jehovah’s Witnesses, she felt obliged to bring me to the elders. They sat me down and explained my options. Since the girl was not a Jehova’s witness, I would have to limit my contact, or get married. The latter was not an option as it would remove her from her parent’s insurance. If I was truly repentant, my option from there was to have my sins read to the congregation and to go through about 6 months of shunning as proof of my repentance. After that I may be welcomed back, the other option was the same, only permanent. In the end, my sins were read to the congregation and I was dis-fellowshipped. Friends where instructed to have no further contact with me, and family to have only necessary family contact. I was to be considered a choosing to live sinfully with the world and as bad association. I was asked to leave the house and that pretty much ended her “necessary family contact”.

I used to make the effort to visit whenever I came back to Indy on leave. foolishly never thinking that any persons interpretation of the Bible could keep a parent from loving their son, and grandchildren. I stopped attempting when I realized just how wrong I was.

It was a few years ago no that I reached out in what I felt like was a great idea, and really was everything I could think of to try and build a relationship with her. I put my heart out there in a long message, hoping to break through whatever fears or worries she had about starting a relationship with me now in my 40’s. I simply asked for a conversation, I gave all the ways that I could make it happen, my phone, address, email to include driving the 13 hours to come see her. I professed my desire to just start talking, to let it all just start. Hell, I will just post my messages in hopes that someone says that I am just too sensitive.

The short reply said a lot

I felt some sort of way about this. I don’t know how not to.

I may be reading it with years of hopes dashed, I may be too sensitive, I don’t know, I just I felt like the answer I got was more in line with “no thank you”

So today as I sit here thankful for the chance to have time with my children, for the ability to still be apart of their life, and I feel the sadness of never really knowing my mother. She did comment on one of my Facebook posts the other week, so I guess you can say things are heating up.

There is no way for me not to feel the effects of this life, at least not any healthy ways that I know of, and there is the belief that Bliss is the result of any feeling fully felt. Including the sad ones.

I understand that more now than I ever could before.