I propose a trade

Before we begin negotiating let me say this, I love my life. I have never really considered myself as a victim, just that life seemed to be hard, and void of love. It drove me to make what I think was the right decisions when I inadvertently started a family at 17 then later again at 22. My life up until that point drove me as a father, albeit a flawed one. It drove me to stay married long past the point where it was healthy.

My life up until 40 can be categorized as Noisy, if I haven’t let my pride remove the last blog, you can get a glimpse for what I mean by noisy. I don’t blame my parents for their choices because I can honestly see now how they needed this same healing. My father never really recovered from his fathers suicide. He was to young to understand anything but abandonment, the drugs and alcohol only cemented in his own fate. He would take his own life and leave that same sense of abandonment behind. I was 14 at the time and I still felt like “this is life” or as Kurt Vonnegut quipped in slaughterhouse 5 “so it goes”.

I didn’t feel much throughout my first 40 years, at least not outwardly where anyone else could use against me. I went on what I call autopilot, I was of course there, I had just developed a rigid form of life. Things mostly fell into black or white, right or wrong. Right gave me a goal to achieve, wrong gave me immense guilt. My trauma actually fit quite well into the Army, the detachment made it easy to keep my cool, the harsh analytical mindset allowed me to overcome obstacles. It allowed the trauma of combat to be viewed with the same distance. So it goes.

It isn’t the most effective way to raise children however. I tried to be there for my kids, to teach them how to throw a spiral. To help with the school projects, to coach their soccer team. I had no idea what I was doing though and only had a list of “what not to be like” to go off of. To make matters worse, I was married to someone who saw life fundamentally different than I did. I won’t go further in this blog about this aspect beyond saying this. I feel like more of a failure than I am as a father, but I have way to much proof to say anything good about my parenting beyond I truly love them. I feel like it is my job still try to help them understand that they are loved.

Speaking of Love, that is what I am really here to discuss. I will turn 50 here in a couple short months, and I would really like to try something different for my birthday. I was thinking of maybe being in Love.

Which brings me to the trade.

I travel the world, 39 flags and counting, I’ve had the chance to climb that mountain and sit on top of the world.

I chase the memories and the beauty that surrounds them, scenic paths, waterways, dusty roads and natural fountains.

I’ve jumped from planes, rappelled from helicopters, bungee jumped and floated the rapids. I don’t chase the adrenaline only the joy of overcoming fears.

I have taken wild and abstract ideas and turned them into physical representations of a thought.

I come and go freely, following the path that feels peaceful. Following hope.

I have no complaints, but

I would trade it all for True Love and an ounce of the finest green.

Perhaps then I could get a good 30-40 years of knowing what we can accomplish with support, encouragement and Love.