The list

I present to you a cup. This cup is of average size, is your favorite color and is holding your favorite beverage. If I were to ask you to describe to me what you are holding, which words would you use?

Would you speak of the color or shape of the cup, the warmth or coldness, maybe the the volume. Perhaps you would describe the beverage, the individual tastes that make it up?

Would you describe the way the beverage made you feel? Whether it energizes the mind, relaxes you, or bring on a euphoric buzz?

Would you conger up the nostalgic memories made while consuming the beverage? Why it became your favorite.

There are no right answer to the questions, and no wrong ones for sure. The reality is that no matter what your reasons are for liking one thing over another, they have no bearing on the thing not chosen. A red grape does not lament over all of those people who prefer white whine. That might be an entirely different version of “Grapes of Wrath“ worth exploring.

What if I asked you to describe to me a different thing? Something far less tangible but far more searched for than even the finest of wines.

What if I asked you to describe Love?

I personally have spent quite a bit of time trying to capture what love looks in different situations to me, like as a father to children who are struggling, or as a friend, I have added it to my prayers when meeting people “Father show me what Love looks like here”. I believe that

Love worketh no ill to his neighbor, therefore Love is the fulfillment of the law. Romans 13:10

I have been fortunate enough to see people who love well. To catch a glimpse of traits and characteristics that feel like Love to me. I have come up with a generic definition of love; I believe that Love is the voluntary expenditure of the only two resources you have in your control, your time and your energy, in service of another.

That is how I see Love on Grand scale, but what I really want to do is describe the Love I am hoping to find. The Love I believe that God has made for me. I am talking about what I am looking for in a woman. A list of characteristics and traits that feel like Love, one’s that I want to experience.

Why a list? Mainly because Maggie said so, but also because it makes sense. I was asking for her advice one particular day after feeling sorry for myself. Honestly I just couldn’t figure out why I was struggling to find love. That’s when she asked a pretty simple question that I really didn’t have an answer for.

What am I looking for? I sort of knew, I was for sure going to avoid any and all women who appeared similar to my ex. If I had a list it was of the red flags to avoid. I had a full list of things I didn’t want in a woman, but was willing to basically accept whatever traits that did present themselves, as long as they were not these other things. If you if you are like me, single at 49, you have likely spent enough time in relationships that do not satisfy your true needs. I spent nearly 20 years in a marriage void of any real love, one born more out of necessity and a desire to not be alone more than mutual respect and love. We were fundamentally different people with different beliefs and desires. It ended about how you would think it would and No, it was not better for the children, or anyone.

I have spent the last 11 years since alone. A quote quipped by Robbin Williams in a movie sums it all up nicely.

I would rather be alone than be with someone who makes me feel alone.

I however do not want to be alone.

My longest relationship since the divorce only lasted a few months, so I offer absolutely no relationship advice. This is Maggie’s advice, and I have found it quite useful, even if it has not led to Love yet. “Be specific about what you want and are looking for, make a list.”

That brings us back to the beginning, how would you describe your favorite traits in a person? What are the things that help you be more you? For me it was not easy to capture specific traits at first, I dislike the idea of deciding if someone is _____, I rarely have a clue, or enough time to effectively evaluate. I realized that it usually isn’t pass or fail, rather that everyone has the traits, just more or less of them. A scale if you will with a left and a right limit.

For example, Joy is on my list. Everywoman is capable of feeling joy, and likely does but there are those that seem to keep it in their life, regardless. Who bring it with them to the storm. I love that quality. The scale might range from Sourpuss|———-|———| Beams light.

Another example is creativity. I spend a lot of time imaging projects, trying to go from ideas to reality and I would love to be able to share that excitement with my future love. It would be awesome if she was able to see the vision and not be lost in the mess of creating.

It took a bit, but in the end I came up 15 different traits that I would love in my future love. I prefaced the list with a prayer acknowledging my absurdity in all of it, trying to ask for something that I don’t really know all that much about, but I had it, and I was asking for her to be delivered.

He did.

Shortly after completing the list, I met a beautiful woman, she seemed perfect and was absolutely crushing every item on the list.

That is when I realized that there should have been at least 16 things on my list.

My list may not be complete, I know that 16th thing is important. I guess time will tell. Since meeting my almost, the list has proved most useful to see past my temporary loneliness, to look past the blast of euphoria that being wanted brings, in helping me not take advantage of lonely women who are also looking for Love but who are not long term compatible.

Perhaps you are also looking for Love, If I had any advice to give it would be this, listen to Maggie, make a list and give it to God.