Hope dies last

I have a few cooky ideas about how I should live my life, about what it means to follow the Spirit which is my ultimate goal.

One of those ideas is that the correct course will have markers, the incorrect course will try to correct you.

I will use the Appalachian trail as an example. The trail is a continuous footpath from Georgia to Maine, It is mostly a worn path through what they call a green tunnel, marked well with white blazes about every 100 meters, but you can in some sections easily wonder off of the trail. You may not even notice it at first, perhaps it is the stumbling over some overgrown vegetation that starts a nagging question in your mind “when was the last time that I saw a blaze?”

It happened to me in one of the earlier stages of the trail, I had followed a side trail looking for the spring to fill up my water bottles, marked with a blue blaze but somehow I missed the spring. I had walked a good distance past where the water trail ended before realizing that I was no longer on it. The trail was very clearly telling me that I was off course. I either had to find that spring and work my way back, or hope I just ran back into the larger A.T. Before too long. What could go wrong?

Spoiler alert, I found the spring and filled the bottles then found the footpath once again. It made me really thankful for each of the Blazes moving forward, I treated each like they were telling me “you are right where you are supposed to be”. Each Blaze noticed brought joy and triggered a “Thank you Father”. Before too long I was saying thank you so often that it became impossible to be in a bad mood. It did not do anything for the body aches and sore feet though, turns out that even being on the right path can be hard, the further you are from the path though, the harder it gets.

The trail ends, this life hasn’t, so how do I tell if I am on the right path though in the rest of life? It isn’t as simple as whether or not life is easy or hard, as it turns out some of us have been asked to walk a hard path. How am I supposed to know the difference between a hard trek uphill that leads to an amazing summit and being lost hoping the next hilltop provides hope. What are the markers?

I ask for no other reason than I am struggling right now knowing if I am on the right path, the trail or just the way the rocks fell?

Better said, I am struggling right now. I have been actively looking for a marker, one that proves that the struggle will be worth it. In reality there are few differences between hiking the A.T. And wondering through the woods aimlessly, which I’m told is not the best idea. The key difference is the relief of fears the trail provides. There will be water ahead, there will be a way to exit the trail, there will be help ahead if needed. In fact, you will hardly ever be further than a few days from a cheeseburger. Anyone who has ever found themselves far off trail can probably attest to that feeling, that growing fear each time the hope filled self statements prove false, each time the “when I crest this hill I will see the trail” only leads to a few more questions.

Life feels that way right now. The last few years have included a tremendous amount of healing, some much needed healing. I have still been struggling on this path, but much like the Appalachian trail, I have also been getting the beauty at the summits. Sometimes it manifests through connections with people, through perfectly timed phone calls or any number of answered prayers. Those are the blazes that keep me moving forward. I have not seen one in a while.

I keep stumbling where I should be walking freely, namely with seeking counseling.

I retired from the Army in 2018 and attempted to raw-dog my healing. I can from the “get-over it” camp. The belief that most issues that men face can be overcome by mind over matter, choosing to just get over it. Who cares that your needs were not met, get over it, oh it happened again, well now you have precedent, just get over it. Something deeply tragic happen, no worries, just boil it down to the simplest form and then get over it. Death happens, It is just pain, temporary suffering is by nature temporary, just get over it.

Any time that one of the Soldiers I worked with would complain about some struggle it would be met with what I have dubbed as toxic positivity. I still firmly believe that not every gripe needs to be heard, re-hashed and allowed to continue growing, some things are really just part of life, as is meeting the people who constantly complain about that life.

“When you wake up in the morning, tell yourself: The people I deal with today will be meddling, ungrateful, arrogant, dishonest, jealous, and surly.”

Marcus Aurelius

I attribute the quote as a reminder that most of these people are acting in either ignorance or fear.

When I start to feel this way, I can sense the fear building. I suddenly become ignorant of things I once knew, like the fact that I am Loved.

How in the world is that related? One of the things that I have been looking forward to is getting counseling, I’ve realized that trauma has changed the way my mind works, I can see areas of my life yet to be healed, I desire that healing. One of the main reasons that I am currently in TN is this is where my VA is, where I planned to start counseling, Two years ago.

The problem is that I have not seen a marker in a while, and the trail has been getting a bit rough. Without a marker, how far along do you travel assuming you are on the trail without markers? When do you turn around?

I dislike it when people bash the VA purely based off of it being popular to bash the V.A. My experience has been mostly easy, the process navigable, the people great. In short, the V.A. is not responsible for the majority of the delay in my counseling as I left for my trip across the U.S. before the first appointment date. Since my return though it has been one disaster after another. Each person in the chain has found a way to uniquely misunderstand me, leaving me in a terrible cycle of needing help but unable to attain it.

It started with my primary care physician who misunderstood my clearly written request to renew my referral to see a talk therapist, She had the front desk call to ask what medications I was seeking. I clarified no meds, just wanted to start therapy. I requested that it be outside of the V.A, not just do to the distance, but also because it would alleviate a huge obstacle to my healing, the growing distrust that my government does not have my best interest in heart. It is something according to the VA that I am authorized to ask for. My answer to the question on preference was easy, I would feel more comfortable talking with a woman. Their second call was to let me know of the appointment at the V.A clinic instead of the community care. I went if for no other reason than to settle whatever miscommunication we were having, Since I live over an hour away and my rating is one that allows me to have access to community care I was not going to budge. The first counselor agreed that I was indeed not where I was asking to be and she would solve the problem. Unfortunately she somehow forgot the entire discussion and set me up with a different doctor in the same VA clinic. Sigh.

The next straw was when after a few more weeks I finally received an appointment time with a civilian therapist, unfortunately, it was with a gentleman down the road. I have no doubt about his ability to help people, I just know the pride that can get in the way with men, I served 23 years in the Artillery, up until recently an all male branch of the Army. I do not feel as comfortable opening up to men, which is why I specifically asked for a female counselor. I still struggle with pride flare-ups around some men, particularly whenever I feel like they discount my experience or value, my pride wants to settle that score. Another thing I am working on. More than anything, I really appreciate the healing nature of a nurturing woman. I was getting really frustrated, why ask the question just to completely ignore the answers. I try not to demand anything, but I couldn’t just accept whatever failures these people were having with understanding me.

I had to wait several more weeks before yesterday seeing a civilian counselor for the first time, another loud sigh, they still want to do the checklist, and apparently are required to send the V.A. (Read insurance company) The counselors notes, so that someone with no knowledge of me can sum me up as a number, then make decisions based off of that number.

Everyone thanks me for my service, what I want in return is to know that I can talk to someone and seek help, without the government prying. Am I asking for too much? Is the fact that none of this is going well or easy indicating that I have strayed off course.