The List (part 2)

What does Love Look like?

I look for Love in all its forms, kind of study it to see how it’s made and who gets to experience it, mostly because I really want to experience it.

I started realizing how much Love had been shown to me by God and my Grandma a little late. I had to first remove all the things that it wasn’t Love. Then I was able to see His hand when I was at my absolute lowest, I was able to hear His voice when I was at the highest. That alone broke me from the decades of feeling unlovable. I also had the privilege really getting to know my Grandma (My Fathers Mother) around 2018. We used to talk over the phone for hours, most of which were her laughing her way through a familiar story. I wish I had recorded those calls.

Before these calls with my Grandma and God revealing how His hand had been working all along, I truly felt unlovable. I don’t say that for pity, that is real, I truly felt unworthy of Love and accepted way less.

I don’t blame my parents, but that is the obvious place it stemmed from. My mother was raised by the epitome of an old church lady. Her father was probably a great guy but they neither liked children or wanted them heard. Not a lot of hugs being given. My mother knew no better.

My father struggled from an early age when his father took his own life. He grew up knowing that he would die at the same age and lived that way. In the end he guaranteed that he was right and died at the same age.

They probably should not have married or had kids, I can’t recall ever really seeing them show any affection towards each other, I know by the end there was just a bunch of pain. I say all that to say that I grew up feeling alone, and quite literally for days on end was alone. My first two relationships did not help. The first at 16 started with creating a child and trying to play house, at 17. the second started the same way a several years later and ended in a divorce many years too late. It was neither of these women’s responsibility to provide what I so desperately wanted, and neither of them were particularly interested in or qualified. Truth be told if I had my list then I would not have been able to pick either.

I did pick both though. Neither really changed their personality or revealed hidden problems, they were who they said they were. Most people are, what I mean is that they reveal themselves in word and deed. If I compared them to a list, which certainly contains kindness ( the willingness to ease others discomfort) both were closer to the left limit in this regards. selfish|——————/—————|selfless.

My first 20 plus years of relationship were with women who saw things fundamentally different than I did. My ex did before we were married as well, it wasn’t really hidden. I was the fool for risking this family dynamic I dreamed of having by being with women who did not want that dynamic.

The results seemingly proving what I always felt. I was unlovable.

Sad face.

Turns out that I was just an idiot, in my defense the first one was the first one to let me grab her butt, the second let me grab it often.

Neither of my baby mamas thrived in those qualities that I’ve grown to Love and placed on my list. It would be dumb of me to continue to judge them based on them. Can’t judge a fish by their ability to fly.

For instance, neither of those women were particularly nurturing. Neither were their mothers. I desire softness over the hardened left limit. I’ll say it, I want to be held, I want to hold. The main problem is that I confused it with sex and tried to fill it that way.

Spoiler alert, it didn’t work. Overall all there are no complaints, I got four kids, the knowledge of who I am, what I want and genital herpes from it, by my count that is still a win.