As you wish

When I am at my healthiest, I try to fight against my natural urge to turn on the TV, to find some show to binge. I tell myself things like you’ve done enough thinking for the day, why not just turn on the tv and be entertained for a few hours.

My mind usually reminds me of the mess in the kitchen, the taxes to be filed, the weeks since my last blog entry….

My waistline at any given time will tell you how I am doing with this battle, currently the list and the waist grows. The “L”s show up as “lb”s

I have been ending most nights with mindless entertainment, unable to really gain any motivation, to be honest, it is hard to even find the motivation to be motivated, like why bother.

I don’t mean that quite as apathetic as it sounds, I just mean that it has not mattered. I’ve been in much worse shape than I am now, I’ve been in much better shape as well. I would be happy if the current trend continues and I get back to the 220’s, and it will.

I am fortunate, if I don’t mind keeping the belly, which will only leave with constant attention, it is fairly easy to manage my weight in the 220’s, the 230’s are evidence of poor eating habits and show in my cheeks, where I currently reside. The 240’s-260’s have historically been a sign of my depression.

I also know that I look pretty good in the 210’s

It is hard to believe that there was only a few months between those photos. One at the start of the Appalachian Trail in Georgia, the other at a “pond” in Massachusetts. But that is a lot work walking up and down mountains full time, and more than I care to keep up with right now.

It goes back to the motivation to be that motivated, ultimately it landed me no closer to Love. A case can be made that being in better shape made waiting for Love harder, as I experienced unexpected attention from women too young to seriously be considered as Love interests.

I thought that I had found Love shortly after finishing the trail. I was riding this all time peaceful high and when I met her I thought that the rest of life could be that good. It was my first experience with that “everything is so perfect” whirlwind. By three weeks in we were “in love”. To me that was the beginning of forever, spoil alert, it wasn’t. She was saying the words I longed to hear, and made me feel like I was Loved for the first time, not sure I would have understood any reason to take a step back. I got my first clue when I was met with angry resistance after asking her to go on a walk with me around the neighborhood. Her resistance quickly escalated to her annoyance with me. It looked and lasted like most Love bomb relationships do, quickly and destructively.

At the time I held out real hope that she would miss me, call me up one night, we would settle our stupid fear based spat and continue on to forever. It took me a several months to realize that she was never meant to be the one, at least not to me. Until I made my list and measured our experience against it I couldn’t see it.

That was over 6 years ago, Since then there really have not been many, I have not uttered those three words to a woman since.

Now I believe beyond a doubt in My Heavenly Father, not just in his existence, but also for His Love for me. I have experienced it, I know it. So I know that He wants the best for me, I believe that it will include experiencing True Love down here. For a few months a few years ago I was sure he was doing it. I had been traveling around a bit and found the perfect spot to stop and rest. Suddenly there were connections forming all around me and I considered that I may have found Home. I would know it for sure if I were to find Love there.

The first several months revealed nothing, not even a prospect until I changed churches and met this amazing family. They welcomed into their home and made me feel truly welcome. Time would reveal that only one daughter remained single, and she was absolutely gorgeous. I know little more about her now than I did then, I know that her father first described her to me as “broken”, I know that she experienced real trauma as her Love and the Father to her son died unexpectedly. I know that the first few attempts to connect with her failed.

I thought for sure this cute little note I left near her treadmill would bring a smile. I know it didn’t. I knew that if it was meant to be the opportunities would present themselves. They never did. I for sure would not want to wear out my welcome by unwanted advances on their daughter, so I accepted the seemingly clear clues that she was not at all interested. Worse yet, she seemed to hate me and didn’t want me around at all. It was painfully obvious that she had a version of me in her head that she did not like and thought others should be weary of. Fortunately for me only a few seemed to agree with her.

There was the briefest of moments when I wondered if I was living out one of those Hallmark movies. I thought that if I just kept being me, that friction between us would eventually erode. In the movies her eyes would be forced open by some event and Love blooms from there. Months went by and there was no semblance of warmth. None. There were no interactions at all, we just pretended that the other was not there. No acknowledgment at all, head and eyes straightforward. I was truly thankful that the others didn’t see whatever she saw, or they were at least willing to see how it plays out.

More months went by with no change at all, if she was going to be somewhere I usually was not invited. My job remained, just keep trying to be the purest version of myself. That is when I had an idea, I had this Army sword that I acquired years ago in a rather bittersweet way. I know it isn’t for me and that I was just carrying it until it found its home. It seemed like it had as I finished a project for the matriarch of this family, it was for this young man’s room and the closet we build had a perfect display for this sword. I thought the sword would mean the world to her young son, who had lost his father before he ever really got to know him. Since his father was a fellow Soldier. The first interaction that I had with this young man a couple of years prior around 5, he sized me and asked if I was single. (Trying to set me up with his mom)

The gift was not meant to be as a way to talk with her, and in fact I set it up to try and avoid that. I first approached it through others and wanted them to give it to him. The reality is that I feel really bad for this young man, and I think I see his pain. I don’t really ever know if I am noticing someone else’s pain or projecting my own, but my father did die the same way as his when I was young. I know the work needed to heal and I thought this could fill some of that. I wrote A note addressed to the young man, listing a few virtues that Soldiers have shown. I really just felt like it would be helpful later on down the road when/if the feelings of abandonment really kick in. I don’t think it was viewed that way, I know it wasn’t welcomed. The was no discussion, just a politely worded “no thank you”.

All the clues were plain enough for even me to see, she wanted absolutely nothing to do with me. I was cool with that, as I said earlier my whole philosophy is to try and be the truest version of myself. That for me looks like a lot of prayer and meditation, and trying to head The Spirit. I can accept that I am not for everyone, but I figure the right one will like me. This lady did not. I could have done without the hate, but I would have to do it with it. So I did. I was extremely happy when I returned after a year to see her with someone. They seemed happy and I figured it was the bestest of endings, she would experience Love and no further thought would be given towards her dislike of me.

I was wrong, the first time she turned around and saw me the dislike was too visceral to hide. I felt bad for her man, surely he is perceptive enough to pick up on her coldness around me. Partly because of our routine of completely avoiding each other, I have only passed him twice in our small church, each time I try to greet him with a smile and a warmth, I don’t think he is a fan either. I would want to know why there were such strong feelings of hate towards one of the men in a very small group. And when flimsy rationale was given, I would wonder. If I could have a real conversation with him I would tell him I mean him no harm, I mean no one any harm. I want Love for them both and would celebrate it with them if they would allow it. In the years prior, I never even saw a glimpse of wether or not she is compatible as it was hard to get past her dislike of me.

I also can’t help but low key hope for a time when she is once again forced to interact with me. Maybe she will find her anger misplaced and we have a conversation.

The reality is that I don’t even know if I like this woman, I’ve yet to have a positive interaction. I can think of few worse scenarios than one where I was so intertwined with this beautiful family only to slowly realize that her Love is unfulfilling. The distance after that would be hard.

The saddest story of all has to be that this nonexistent romance above, is the only thing I have to talk about in this realm.