That has been my struggle the last few weeks, I have been seeking out attention, and failing. I am not sure if cuffing season started early, if it is the seasons changing, or the blaring warning signs of my depression demanding attention.
“Raw dogging healing” is how my friend Keebler defined my approach to healing (pharmaceutical free). This morning was a prime example why I don’t take the medications. I feel now, and I feel deeply.
I had a choice this morning before going to church, I had already broken down crying a few times during my devotional time, a few more watching reels. Did I want to risk having a bunch of people mindlessly ask me “what’s wrong?”
Nothing is wrong. This is the result of this life, and for however long the process takes, I get to deal with all of the feels. The morning feels this far had Been particularly good, as I felt God’s Love for me, and deeply as well. Pretty though, they were not.
Call it an indoor day, or go to church? Risk adding judgement to the mix when I am clearly vulnerable with only the possible, even if unlikely upside that someone might see me, really see me and offer a hug.
That possibility had me tearing up again and there was still another hour to go before church. I can’t tell you how long it had been since I have shared a real hug. I know a couple of older women at the church who Love well. There would be no chance that I make it through a maternal hug without blubbering. Yet I longed for it.
Now I had to wage the risks. There was of course the aforementioned judgement, and the “are you OKs?, then there is the chance that I just make a complete fool of myself, or worse, no one cares. They see, and figure that I have it covered, or just don’t care.
One of the sure fire ways to put me in my feels is seeing people who Love well. There are often several examples at This little church I attend. I had a pretty good chance of having a wave of emotions hit me in an unexplainable way, in front of the good loving side of this church, and to the other side, those who judge and make their own explanations.
What to do, what to do.
I decided to go, and to pray for the hug. Who knows, maybe I will be dehydrated by then and it won’t matter. All I really have to do is make it through the worship songs without being overcome with the feels. I can’t imagine the sermon invoking much. To me it seems like God is working on the Pastors heart, and the sermons are his way of resisting. I just need to make it through the worship songs.
I didn’t.
I was doing alright the first song, I was even singing loudly trying to balance on that fine line of feeling and composure.
I fell, and not on to the side of composure. I lifted my head, reluctantly. welcomed the tears and just felt, and deeply. I am not ashamed in the least bit, they have heard me reference my depression before, who knows, perhaps someone else will feel emboldened to struggle.
No one asked if I was ok thankfully. Sadly, no one offered a hug. In reality, no one said a thing, or seemed to notice, there were no warm smiles, nothing.
Only half of the church was sitting directly across from me, and my goal isn’t to be seen, but I had low key set my hopes on a hug.
What made me stand there with my head held high, lips violently fighting to stay together, tears flowing down a freshly shaven face rather than excusing myself? Well a couple of things. One it was the overwhelming feeling of God’s Love for me. Can’t imagine feeling ashamed for that. I was standing in a room with people who seem to fight those urges, and with a pastor who has actively judged me for “being too sensitive” in the past. The other reason is the same reason for this blog. Maybe just maybe there is someone else who also struggles with these sorts of things. I hear that there is some sort of epidemic out there in regards to men’s mental health, so the chances are someone else might.
I think the hardest part about Loving God and dealing with PTSD and Depression, is the addition of that dangerous doctrine; that God would take this from you if you had more faith. Can you imagine judging a cancer patient? Saying to them what this man of God regurgitated from the same pulpit that Depression is a result of focusing on yourself too much, instead of God.
Fake news.
Leave a Reply