What do you do?

One of my least favorite questions, tied with “where are you from”. I know both of them are my issues and perfectly harmless questions. Even more so I know how hard it is to strike up a conversation, but I dislike the questions. The latter because I have no real answer, and any answer I can give doesn’t do much to describe me. Perhaps it does, my answer is usually

“I was born in Indiana, but moved at 4, then moved about every 4 years since“

I know it plays a huge part in my travels, my quest for a place that feels like home. When I am there, I want my answer to be “there”, like my heart was just wandering for a bit before returning. I have been fortunate enough to have traveled to many places, have been invited into a lot of people’s homes, and to share quality time with a few people’s families. I have yet to experience that with my family, but it has helped define the goal.

It may sound strange, but I am always pleasantly surprised when I see people Love well. I am especially in awe watching parents patiently parent and love their kids unconditionally. If that is what parenting is, the fine print says individual results may vary. I don’t mean that just as a scathing review of my childhood, I mean that about my parenting. I can see now just how far I was away from well.

I spend a lot of time now trying to build those bonds. I watch others and try to learn. It is really beautiful to see people freely share their time and energy with others. I am hoping that Home feels a lot like that.

The former question, What do you do?

Again a me issue, part of my irritation is the current answer right now of not much. Depending on who I am talking, with increasing likeliness when the question is presented with ego and pride, I answer, I am retired after 23 years of active duty military, and now I do whatever I want to do.

I can’t think of a single time I gave them the “and what is it that you do?”

Again, I know it is a me problem, sometimes I have a hard time justifying how I spend some days, especially when I know so many of my peers have to work harder than they should in their 50’s. Worst yet, the old idea of working hard until 62, then retiring is busted. 30 years with a company getting you a gold watch and a pension is gone. The 401k house of cards, the people’s retirement savings, could fall apart at any time, wiping away decades of work and wealth relatively quickly. The number of senior citizens still working to survive is sad. Don’t worry, there is no affiliate links to buy gold, or even need for concern, we just seemed to have lost focus. First I would ask two questions, what are your survival needs? And if they were met, what would you do with your time?

When the only thing pulling at your time was you, and those few obligations you make now, what would you do with your 7 days, how would you fill them?

The 24 hours each day, how would you spend them?

Most of us will never really be able to answer these questions, there is just too much pulling on us, at least not while we still have the ability to do all of the answers. I have talked to more than one person at the tail end of life saying they would have loved to jump from a plane, or insert dream here. A gentleman at 91 just took back the record of “oldest to thru-hike the A.T.” This seems to be the rarity though, and truly remarkable. Truth is that I spend several hours a week helping men in their 70s or later doing the things their bodies just can’t do anymore. It has been rather healing for me on one hand to see the decay of pride. These men have accomplished a lot, two are Vietnam veterans who for decades have been doing what I do now, none of it lasts forever. I have been fortunate enough to work next to men who have lived through the things I fear, showing me the other side. I have seen the things that men hold on to when their bodies start to fail, men who have a hard time accepting their current limitations and only stop when it hurts. And Men who are near to end and just now starting to think about those things the forsook along the way. I have been fortunate enough to stand next to the me, 30 years from now.

It mostly has given me peace and hope as I watch some people live full lives, going here and there with their wives, some even seem to like their spouses and are doing the things they always wanted to do together. Being free.

I don’t want to wait until I am in my 70’s, I don’t even want to wait until I am in my 60’s. None of that is promised. I want that life now, even if it is alone. Is that wrong ?

Anothe question is, what would you give up to have that life now?

For me it was a few give up’s. The first was letting go of the stuff acquired during a long marriage, the physical and metaphysical. I moved 3 times following the split, each time winnowing out the unimportant, then the final refinement was living with everything I needed, stuffed into a pack weighing approximately 42lbs. Right now in order to maintain this lifestyle I am willing to give up on some comforts like running water and air conditioning in order to keep this peace.

At the time of writing this, my government is making a series of decisions that is making life expensive for us. Everyday expenses are through the roof and even having a roof is becoming unobtainable. I have even applied for a few jobs during a bleak few months when even this lifestyle became hard to manage and the debt started piling up.

I was reminded quickly why that isn’t really an option. You see I had forgotten the reasons why I started shedding the excess weight, why I needed to detach from things. I had forgotten about the weight of the unhealed parts of me. The real reason I started this path. Carrying around 42lbs felt like the norm, so I started stuffing the pockets instead of getting lighter. Ounces make pounds, and pounds make pain.

My prayers were legitimately for this very minimalistic life. I remember writing out in my prayer journals asking my Heavenly Father for a chance to be free enough financially to be able to spend my days helping people, taking care of the land and healing. I would often add a p.s. and If possible, send Love. I pictured myself popping into towns and the Spirit guiding me to those in need. It is what led me to this little town.

I was actually reminded of those prayers the other night. I had returned to my Aunts property around 7pm to find a rather large downed tree, at the beginning of a long driveway.

If I had remembered my favorite mantra “I have everything I need” I would have had it cleaned up quickly. Instead I walked the 1/4 mile to the barn, grabbed the “better” saw, solved the fuel and oil problems as well as went through the arduous process of getting “Ol’ Maude” started. I walked back somehow forgetting just how much I love walking in the woods, and proceeded to naw at the tree before realizing the chain was on backwards.

Nestled in the hills and behind trees, it was getting pretty dark. My tailgate was serving as makeshift workbench, my phone as a light, even with all my tools I proceeded to struggle for way too long. At one point I decided to give up on Ol’ Maude and dig through my truck for my little 16” chainsaw, and the ever elusive tightening tool. I was aggravated by this point, partly because I spilt oil on my new shoes, partly because I wanted to be done with the day, and partly because I was doing what I considered manly things, and there would be no one to see them. To cheer me on, to hear me grunt. To lament with me over the fool who put this on backwards. I might leave out the part about it being me, but right then I wanted people to know, this is how I spend my time.

I tend to get a chuckle when God reminds me of something I asked for, this time it was of the prayers for this life and even picturing the fantasies I used when buying my chain saw, right before the phone rang.

Someone could hear the laments after all, or it could be a friend in need, I might have to politely share my struggles that would surely outweigh theirs right now. My pride knows no bounds. I welcomed the chance. It was somewhere in between friend and acquaintance. It was a gentleman that goes to my small church, one that I would call a friend, even if our only conversations are brief and mostly surface level.

He was calling to ask if “we were good?” A question that I hadn’t even considered really before then. The question itself likely has several roots, there was the disagreement we had at bible study and reason he gave for calling. We hold different views on what we should be calling a sin in others. My view is that we are too flawed to be able to draw a line not based in our pride, and therefore shouldn’t judge. His is different. Both of us were proud of our opinions but I didn’t think a bad thing of the conversation. Which made me think it was an unspoken reason.

I am generally clueless with all things relationships, but from the outside it seems like they are having a tough time lately. It doesn’t help that it seems obvious, even to me, that his wife has had a crush on me. At different points over the last few years it has seemed stronger, but never acted upon. At least nothing inappropriate. There are l some things that I hope my future Love doesn’t do, including a small stint where she was extra touchy, and laughed too easily at my jokes, but none of which would change my answer to the question “we good?”

That is unless you can read minds, we are good.

If I was being honest with myself, I could see my brain rationalizing the wrong choices that would lead to temporary satisfaction. The main problem is that I know that loneliness, I could not see transferring my loneliness to another man permanently, while I temporarily took from his marriage. No matter how beautiful she was. Not knowingly, and certainly not to someone I consider a friend.

I say that because the reason for his call was simple, and settled within the first 5 minutes, yet we talked for nearly an hour. I believe that him and his wife are experiencing issues, and I believe that he needed to know the we were indeed good, definitely more so than he needed to hear about my current conquests as a man.

What is it that I choose to do?

I wake every morning and read, pray, write and meditate. Most of my morning routine is centered around asking God to use me, to heal me, to provide. He has done so by giving me people to help, like these Vets, and has provided for me like he has the fields and the birds.

Thank you Father for this Life.